Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Freedom Doesn't Come From A Bottle

Today is the day I've been waiting for! I finally got the call from my doctor's office, the one that was supposed to confirm my intuition, and tell me that I am, in fact, having a healthy baby boy. This call was supposed to ease my mind, and give me a reason to go out for dinner. Well, can you guess what happened? 

No, I wasn't wrong, and shame on you for thinking so! 

The test did not work on me. Apparently, I don't have enough fetal matter in my blood, whatever that means, so no results are available. Seriously?! After two weeks of waiting, this is what they call to tell me? And, of course, it wasn't the brand-new, not-exactly-tried-and-true test that was at fault, it was my blood. My fetal-lacking blood. 

The nurse suggested that I redo the test, and, initially, I agreed. But then I got to thinking. Why, if I believe in myself, am I putting myself through this stress? Why would I make another trip to the doctor's office, have more blood drawn, and wait another two weeks for results that I don't actually need? I mean, as far as the gender goes, he's either a boy, or a girl, and truthfully, I'd be thrilled either way, even if I would be a little confused about why I was initially "told" he is a boy. And, as far as testing for genetic abnormalities, that too does not matter to me. Either way, I'm going to love this baby, so why do I need to know now, exactly what I will be dealing with in 6 months? Plus, I hear there are false positives with these tests, and, if my first try produced no results, God only knows what a second try would offer. 

So, I decided, that today is the day that I take back my power. I realized that I can say no to all of this. I don't have to get up early tomorrow to go have blood drawn. Instead, I can sleep in, and just enjoy the little movements in my belly. I can continue to build a relationship with Gabriel, by just being here with him, and I can teach him about trusting oneself by refusing to let a test result determine my mood. Plus, I can show him about living with flow, the art of paying attention to the many cues around us every day. In fact, these inconclusive results weren't the first clue that maybe this test was unnecessary. There was also some confusion at the doctor's office about this procedure, and although it got resolved, the lack of smooth flow stuck in my mind. 

So, today, I am free. I don't need a medical procedure to tell me what my soul already knows. There is a beautiful, healthy, baby boy growing inside of me, and I am so damn lucky.

Hayley